More horrid poems

Birthday

Dear Mum

Happy birthday

I got you some chocolates,

But because I don't actually like you

I pissed in them first.

Dad

You are alarmingly fat

And I often consider

Ruining the football scores

Before Match of The Day.

Baby

I hear you've procreated

I bet you're really proud

If I hear about another bowel movement

I'm going to stab you.

Car

Your car is really nice

So nice in fact

That I hope you get stinking drunk

And die in a crash.